Monday, September 08, 2008
...and from here, you can almost see the light. or is that that oncoming train...?term 4 week 1. just 2 and a half weeks until finals. and maybe only now its beginning to bear down on me. the fact that despite all ive done in the holidays, there just simply isnt enough time to catch up on everything i told myself id 'do later, cus theres all the time i need and more'. not that ive done much in the holidays besides go for training and play pokemon.and i gotta stop playing pokemon. its making me antisocial. i cant believe i spent a week at home not talking to people and not even going out to buy dinner just so i could play that stupid game. what have i become.so maybe it hasnt borne down on me completely either.pretty fascinating how the closer the finals get, the less productive i seem to become.they only get closer, and the work only seems to get harder. pretty daunting a task huh.and yet somehow even though half of me, probably the more rational side, tells myself that its now or never that i pull myself together, smack myself awake and really start working...theres also the other half that feels like just dropping it and letting things go their course. not that i can change them now can i....can i...?"Surrender your heart to God, turn to Him in prayer,
and give up your sins - even those you do in secret.
Then you won't be ashamed;
you will be confident and fearless.
Your troubles will go away like water beneath a bridge,
and your darkest night will be brighter than noon.
You will rest safe and secure,
filled with hope and emptied of worry."
- Job 11:13-18
its really reassuring that as cataclystic a fate that seems to await you, God will always make things better in the end.
theres a catch though.
having faith...having trust in something or someone isnt always easy. more often than not it in itself is a task. its always so easy to find excuses, to point out flaws, and to rather rely on ones on perception and strength to carry yourself through; at least its something you can control.
or something i think i can.
moresoever impossible sometimes is the issue of putting your faith in God. for me it is anyway. after all...if you find it an issue to trust another, how could you bring yourself to trust someone that, despite repeated promises, seems only an intangible observer?
...how could i not?
trusting in God isnt supposed to be easy. or maybe by rights it should be but as far as being human is concerned, being human therefore being flawed, it isnt so easy to give of myself entirely...or perhaps even a portion of myself. but maybe the loss that denying yourself seems to indicate isnt as massive in comparison to what you receive in return.
"all of yourself for all of God"
...just a meagre price to pay, isnt it?
and maybe ultimately its not the sacrifice that tanks us, but the things we seem to want to cling on to, the things we think we cant live without, that truly sucks the life out of us. and if wed only look to Him, wed realise that Hes been there all the time holding the solution in His hands...and just reaching out to us and asking us to take His hand. so what are we waiting for?
...what am i waiting for?
anyway its just a few more weeks and, for better or for worse, everything will be over. and maybe then ill have some time to look at other things ive been pushing aside.
...so tell me mister, where does this train take me...?
