I give my all to You

Thursday, August 14, 2008

i never thought id really land myself in so much trouble.

i guess what they say is right. if you live life with no consequences it doesnt show at first...but once it piles up and comes crashing down on you youre left with no room to breathe. no space to move.

the repercussions of my actions really have caught up to me. and i guess there isnt really much i cant do to reverse them.

there really isnt anything i can do at all at this point. except work hard to change it for the better.

i was given a chance at the start of this year for a life in difference. a chance to make something out of my future and do well. to succeed. to seize the day and plot a course for myself in the future. and to whoever else it may concern. people told me that it was a great chance...and that, having it despite the seemingly impossible circumstances, i should treasure it.

i never was a good listener.

in the beginning pushing aside every little issue felt like a sure-fire way to keep my mind unoccupied. sure, i could always deal with it later. a little bit here, a little bit there; it wasnt gonna affect me much.

and somewhere along that line it set in.

i didnt actually ever get round to completing those tasks id set before me. so much left undone, so much more to come. and those just piled up too. and maybe i go used to it...maybe my mind just blanked it out. i countered my conscience with those issues with others. other achievements in other fields that i could use to validate my worthfulness, my effort in a matter which carried some weight.

assignment after assignment, even those that really counted, i just disregarded. there was always next time that id do better...always next time that id try harder.

always next time that id feel purposeful.

and now i feel anything but that.

"do your best and God will do the rest"

i always counted on that. that no matter how screwed up the situation, God would eventually come in and make things better. that Hed give me that extra push to help me do well...and excel. and Hed be there to assure me that i shouldnt ever give up...cus things would always work out in the end. and definitely, Hes there to do that and so much more.

...but i never really gave my best, did i?

ive let my parents down. myself down...although i probably willingly let that happen.

and ive let God down.

well...theres nothing more i can do left than work hard now, right? and pray that after my year end results are taken in consideration, that ill clear next year. because i dont have another option than to give it all i got now.

and if i dont clear...this is gonna be a huge learning experience for me.

and to seek His forgiveness. and blessing once more. for these next 2 months...things are gonna have to change.

I am falling to my knees
I need You, Lord, to breathe in me
My prayer is still the same
My heart is crying out Your name